Mom of BigGER kids

A little bit ago I was having a pity party to Chris about this sudden feeling/ emotion of loneliness.  So weird. I know a lot of people.  Lots of people know who I am.  I know that I am surrounded with great people and yet I feel alone.

My babies are growing up now...can I still call them babies at 10, 7 and 4?  oh wow, I feel like an old granny "my babies are so big"...but its true, they will always be my babies and no matter how old I am the three pregnancies I had will always count for the following-
-I have a muffin top (no matter how much I work out)
- I have sore knees (I'm a fairly small lady and my first born was almost 9 lbs and because they like to be on the floor I have a horrible habit of sitting on my knees)
- I am a light sleeper (I got in such a habit of listening to them so I could go to them before they woke anyone else)

Anyway, I am new at this whole "being a mom of bigger kids" and I'm sure I will like it I just have to figure out my role and the fact that they don't need me as much...or that they don't need me in the same way as in to survive...I know they really could use me so that they can thrive.

When you're a new mom you find other new mom friends to surround yourself with.  You fill your days obsessing about what time the baby woke, how much did they eat, when do they sleep again, are they meeting their milestones...on repeat for a year.  And just when its all figured out you have another, then another and for like a decade you've been doing the same thing.

Toddlerhood comes and you schedule playdates at parks and libraries and chick fila because you will lose your mind if you stay inside with your toddler ALL DAY LONG and constantly facing the battle of the wills is not a fun environment for someone who is normally an avoider of conflict.

They become preschoolers and you host more playdates at your house so your mom friends who have infants can get out of their house and nap their infant at your house while you plan stuff for the preschoolers and you get to carry on broken conversations between encouraging the little selfish humans to share and take turns and offering snacks and putting socks and shoes off and on and off and on...

Then one day all of your friends put their kiddos in preschool or no longer have any preschoolers and you're alone with your 4 year old at home. You love the one on one time and his cuteness is unparalleled and you know you should cherish these moments and you honestly do but then theres the whole adult interaction thats missing again.

So you agree to teach music one day a week at a local preschool so your son can have a 'preschool environment' and you REALLY love teaching preschoolers so its an awesome fit for the two of you and that gives you at least a chance to see other adults even if they leave the room as soon as you enter so they can have a break...it still counts.

You lead a women's bible study/ life group that you love but why don't you feel connected?  Why do you feel lonely? Is it a personal problem related to your monthly cycle, are you tired or getting sick? Or is it deeper?  Is God saying something to you? Or are you trying to over spiritualize something?

Everyone struggles with loneliness but when its YOU simply knowing that others feel the same way too isn't as comforting. So odd that in the middle of being surrounded by people you know love and appreciate you that you can still have the isolating feeling of disconnection even when you aren't physically alone.

God is enough.  He is bigger than loneliness. He's bigger than the changes to my role.  He is always with me.

Deuteronomy 31:6 Your God, the Lord Himself, will be with you.  He will not fail or abandon you.
Psalm 91:5 When they call to me, I will answer them; when they are in trouble, I will be with them.
Matthew 28:20 I will be with you always, to the end of the age.

Loneliness would seek to warp our minds and drain us of all incentive and purpose BUT Negative experiences can leave us with positive results.

The failure of others to meet my needs catapults a desire in me to meet the needs of others through encouragement and acts of service.   I know that I need other people in my life. I was not created to live independent of others.  So I'm choosing to recognize the truth that I actually am at a bit of a cross roads in my life where I am more alone than I was in the past BUT I have not been deserted, secluded, unwanted, unloved.

I am resting in the arms of the one who created me, has never left me, walks with me as I grow, trusting He will keep his promises and answer me when I speak, as he guides me through these new waters of being the mom of "bigger kids".  They may not need me to fix their breakfast, or help them bathe (okay so sometimes I still have to remind them to use soap) or teach them how to cut snowflakes and draw circles and squares that turn into houses and cars

BUT...now we are moving onto areas that I'm not as confident in...

Maybe the loneliness is a spiritual pride that much of motherhood to infants, toddlers, preschoolers and early elementary kiddos has been easy for me to do on my own, come naturally...now I get to help address heart issues and guide these boys into being future husbands one day.  Teaching and hopefully modeling for them how to work hard, be kind, forgive, be serious, play hard, win humbly, accept criticism,  have fun, be flexible, know Christ for themselves... (seems so much harder than keeping track of how many wet diapers they had a day)...whew, new waters I'm really going to have to have Gods help with.  Maybe its good that I don't feel very social right now, Not sure I could manage friends AND raising these little boys who are quickly becoming young men.