Stop saying, "I didn't make time"

Over a spontaneous Christmas Break Breakfast our family of five was blessed with the presence of both sets of Grandparents.  All the grandfathers had to do was say the grandkids would be there and the sleeping beauties were dressed and ready to go! One day the boys will realize how fortunate they are to have the gift of awesome grandparents who actually are fun nice people to be around.

While enjoying breakfast at Grid Iron, where kids eat free with an adult purchase (could be why we like the food so much) we were discussing Christmas break and how great it is that we are all together..."Couldn't every day be Christmas Day"  my dad responded with telling us that 'Christmas Time' is so amazing because we all slow down, have a break from our normal routine and we focus on being generous and giving to others.  So true!  If you're ever stuck in a rut, feeling sorry for yourself the best remedy is to give or serve someone else.  Too often in the routines of life we say, "I don't have time to grab lunch with you, when is there time to have a 30 min phone call, Theres Not Enough time in my day, I'm too busy..." the truth is we have all been given the same amount of hours in everyday and we need to own our choices.  So, for me, no more "I didn't have time to send Christmas Cards, or invite someone over for dinner, or get ice cream..." Im going to own my choices, and re phrase to "I didn't make time"  Ouch, Im sure this is going to hurt me the next time someone says, "man, we really need to get the kids together or we need to grab lunch sometime?" I'll have to respond with, "yes I'm sorry I didn't make time for that, for you"

I almost didn't make time for my favorite part of Christmas morning.

We were asked to shop for my Aunt Jackie this year so all of us could have gifts, no problem, its super fun to spend someone else money :) So we were on the ball and finished all of our Christmas shopping early this year!

SO when Mason sprung the idea that he wanted to use his own money to buy Christmas gifts for his brothers and Chris and I three days before Christmas when we already had those days filled with other activities and plans I was at first annoyed and bothered that he didn't plan earlier, that now I was going to have to try to figure out when in the world I could arrange childcare for his bothers and take him shopping with all the other last min shoppers who didn't make time earlier to shop for their loved ones.

Pause. Stop.

Mason is ten...TEN!  What ten year old asks to spend his own money to buy surprise Christmas gifts for his brothers, knowing that they may not have enough money to buy him anything in return. What ten year old sits at his desk and draws up a spread sheet with rows and columns filled with our names and gifts he wants to purchase and how much he can spend? (Beside mine and Chris' names was an * for an additional gift or sappy note/card) What mother in her right mind is initially bothered by this self motivated act of generousity from her son who's growing into an amazing young man?

Of all of the things I am thankful I made time for this Christmas it was for him to be able to act on his desire and thought to be generous.

SO, on the way to meet the cousins at Papa and Grandmaw's to bake Christmas treats to deliver to our neighbors, I let Mason run into the house grab his spread sheet and the $20 he had budgeted to spend on gifts and we stopped by 5 Below.

On pulling up we had decided that me and the younger two would go into the store and stand in a corner so Mason could seceretly shop and all the while the younger two were grumbling in their carseat and booster that they were going to have to go into a store (UGGH...Hes trying to buy a gift for YOU, and you're complaining). Mason asked if he could go in alone.

ALONE?  Your 10!!!!...TEN, ...your ten, responsible, you know exactly what your looking for, you've planned, this is something you really want to do...we pulled up and there was a parking spot close to the door.  I gave my speech, "Okay, you're right, your ten.  Don't look at anyone, don't talk to anyone, keep your money in your pocket, if you at any point feel awkward or uncomfortable leave your goods and come out the front door."  He grinned rolled his eyes, and said, "thanks mom, I got this"

I watched the clock and had decided that if he was in there longer than 12 minutes I was going to unbuckle the others and rescue Mason.

After nine minuets he was leaving the store with the biggest smile, full heart and I forever have this memory etched in my mind.

He sat down and said, "I asked them to double bag my purchase so you guys couldn't see what I got, I was worried for a min because all I had was a twenty dollar bill and I knew I'd be close, but the total was $19.86!"

Mason led the way, Micah then decided he wanted to buy something for Mason and Ethan with his money as well.

Christmas morning, my favorite part was watching them present the gifts they had saved for, picked out and wrapped (with a little help from me) to each other...and I may have also loved the "sappy note/card" that Mason presented to Chris and I.

During this new year approaching I hope I continue to MAKE TIME for what really matters.

Mom of BigGER kids

A little bit ago I was having a pity party to Chris about this sudden feeling/ emotion of loneliness.  So weird. I know a lot of people.  Lots of people know who I am.  I know that I am surrounded with great people and yet I feel alone.

My babies are growing up now...can I still call them babies at 10, 7 and 4?  oh wow, I feel like an old granny "my babies are so big"...but its true, they will always be my babies and no matter how old I am the three pregnancies I had will always count for the following-
-I have a muffin top (no matter how much I work out)
- I have sore knees (I'm a fairly small lady and my first born was almost 9 lbs and because they like to be on the floor I have a horrible habit of sitting on my knees)
- I am a light sleeper (I got in such a habit of listening to them so I could go to them before they woke anyone else)

Anyway, I am new at this whole "being a mom of bigger kids" and I'm sure I will like it I just have to figure out my role and the fact that they don't need me as much...or that they don't need me in the same way as in to survive...I know they really could use me so that they can thrive.

When you're a new mom you find other new mom friends to surround yourself with.  You fill your days obsessing about what time the baby woke, how much did they eat, when do they sleep again, are they meeting their milestones...on repeat for a year.  And just when its all figured out you have another, then another and for like a decade you've been doing the same thing.

Toddlerhood comes and you schedule playdates at parks and libraries and chick fila because you will lose your mind if you stay inside with your toddler ALL DAY LONG and constantly facing the battle of the wills is not a fun environment for someone who is normally an avoider of conflict.

They become preschoolers and you host more playdates at your house so your mom friends who have infants can get out of their house and nap their infant at your house while you plan stuff for the preschoolers and you get to carry on broken conversations between encouraging the little selfish humans to share and take turns and offering snacks and putting socks and shoes off and on and off and on...

Then one day all of your friends put their kiddos in preschool or no longer have any preschoolers and you're alone with your 4 year old at home. You love the one on one time and his cuteness is unparalleled and you know you should cherish these moments and you honestly do but then theres the whole adult interaction thats missing again.

So you agree to teach music one day a week at a local preschool so your son can have a 'preschool environment' and you REALLY love teaching preschoolers so its an awesome fit for the two of you and that gives you at least a chance to see other adults even if they leave the room as soon as you enter so they can have a break...it still counts.

You lead a women's bible study/ life group that you love but why don't you feel connected?  Why do you feel lonely? Is it a personal problem related to your monthly cycle, are you tired or getting sick? Or is it deeper?  Is God saying something to you? Or are you trying to over spiritualize something?

Everyone struggles with loneliness but when its YOU simply knowing that others feel the same way too isn't as comforting. So odd that in the middle of being surrounded by people you know love and appreciate you that you can still have the isolating feeling of disconnection even when you aren't physically alone.

God is enough.  He is bigger than loneliness. He's bigger than the changes to my role.  He is always with me.

Deuteronomy 31:6 Your God, the Lord Himself, will be with you.  He will not fail or abandon you.
Psalm 91:5 When they call to me, I will answer them; when they are in trouble, I will be with them.
Matthew 28:20 I will be with you always, to the end of the age.

Loneliness would seek to warp our minds and drain us of all incentive and purpose BUT Negative experiences can leave us with positive results.

The failure of others to meet my needs catapults a desire in me to meet the needs of others through encouragement and acts of service.   I know that I need other people in my life. I was not created to live independent of others.  So I'm choosing to recognize the truth that I actually am at a bit of a cross roads in my life where I am more alone than I was in the past BUT I have not been deserted, secluded, unwanted, unloved.

I am resting in the arms of the one who created me, has never left me, walks with me as I grow, trusting He will keep his promises and answer me when I speak, as he guides me through these new waters of being the mom of "bigger kids".  They may not need me to fix their breakfast, or help them bathe (okay so sometimes I still have to remind them to use soap) or teach them how to cut snowflakes and draw circles and squares that turn into houses and cars

BUT...now we are moving onto areas that I'm not as confident in...

Maybe the loneliness is a spiritual pride that much of motherhood to infants, toddlers, preschoolers and early elementary kiddos has been easy for me to do on my own, come naturally...now I get to help address heart issues and guide these boys into being future husbands one day.  Teaching and hopefully modeling for them how to work hard, be kind, forgive, be serious, play hard, win humbly, accept criticism,  have fun, be flexible, know Christ for themselves... (seems so much harder than keeping track of how many wet diapers they had a day)...whew, new waters I'm really going to have to have Gods help with.  Maybe its good that I don't feel very social right now, Not sure I could manage friends AND raising these little boys who are quickly becoming young men.